i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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