we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
