Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
