ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
