How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
