Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
