I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
