If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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