Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize