someone owes me an orgasm
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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