I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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