Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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