i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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