There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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