i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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