I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
