thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
