So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
