I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Randomize
