I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
