he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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