God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
