It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
