watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
