Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
