If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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