Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They have beer where we have blood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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