His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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