My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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