im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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