I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
