there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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