if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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