Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
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The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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