dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
