sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
