Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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