my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
