What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
