When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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