I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
