i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
