You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
