Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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