be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just invented taco cereal.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
