did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
