I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
