I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
