Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
