He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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