Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
