considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
