i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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