I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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