She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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