You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
