I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
