Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
