the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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