To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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